Readers Write: Swinging for the Fences

Occasionally my readers, real or imagined, write me letters and ask me questions. Sometimes I respond.



Dear Unholy Poly,

I was thinking about cyclocross. It seems like the latest hip cycling thing to do. I pride myself on keeping up with fashion; I rocked my Lance Motorola jersey in 2005 on my OCLV Trek, and then last summer I bought a fixie to session with my friends and drink PBRs. Cross seems like the hot thing to do now. So... Do you think I should?

/s
Henry H. Ipster
Williamsburg, NY



Dear Henry,

By merely asking that question, you just killed cyclocross. Just like you killed fixies, carbon road bikes, Nirvana and REM before them.

Thanks you asshole.

Unholy Rouleur

Ps. If I catch you listening to the Black Keys I will shoot you, on the spot. You hear me, you sonovabitch?


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Dear Unroly Holeur,

I was wondering how I could improve my speed on the cyclocross course? Try as I might, I just don't seem to get faster. Any tips?

/s
Allen Lim-Prist



Dear Allen,

If you've tried the usual methods to get faster (interval training, getting a coach, buying $3200 carbon wheels, buying dope from Chodroff) and none of them work, why don't you try obtaining a false ID with Zdenek Stybar's picture, then hiring Stybar for, say, $250,000 per race, to race under your identity?

Seriously. If you've done everything you could and you're not winning, and this really bugs you, there's no other alternative to cheating. Plus everybody will forgive you when they see Styb..., er, I mean you, doing tail whips over the berms.

/s
Unholy Rouleur


Ps. Winners never cheat, and you'll never win.


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Dear Unholy Derailleur,

I'm concerned about the start positions that I'm getting. Really concerned.

No, let me start over again. I am really, really, really fucking concerned about the start positions I am getting. Our local race series has this screwed up method of callups, where only people with points get callups, then the rest of us get screwed no matter how many times we sat there at 7:45 on Sunday night, hitting "refresh" waiting for registration to open. Yet the best I seem to be able to manage, is registering around 25th, which is like two or three positions past the people with callups.

And lately the promoters seem to be giving *anybody* with points a callup. Last week, I had to deal with this guy "Zoltan" who is the Hungarian national champion getting a callup ahead of me because he supposedly has 25 You See I points, whatever the hell those are. But the dude doesn't even have any MABRA series points! WTF? This is really terrible, because unless I can get a better start, there's no way I'll finish in the top 20. Is there anything you can do to help me?

Sirrichard Burton
Remington, WY


Dear Sirrichard,

Yes. I can help you. By relegating your ass to the last row and 119th position at my race, where I will not be able to hear your whining from my lofty perch in row 9, #73. Of course you could retrieve your ball sack out of the women's portajohn, stop whining, and knock out a set of 10 stomps every two weeks or so starting now. Then, assuming you have the courage to get a good start - a fact not in evidence at this point - you'll be able to ride straight to the front and not only will you be happy, but we'll be happy too because you'll find something else to bitch about but you'll be off the front and we won't have to hear your shit.

Any other questions?

Didn't think so.

/s
Unholy Rouleur