A Canticle for Cantilevers

Yea, verily, I sayeth unto thee:
He that installeth not true cantilevers,
Shall suffer mud and grass buildup,
And excess friction unto the end of his days.

Happy is the wise man who, upon hearing this news,
Forsaketh Vee brakes and mini-cantis.
Thou shalt have no other brakes before cantis;
Many are their joys, rich are their rewards.

Yet a fool wanders warily,
Questioning the wisdom of my words.
"How, then, shall I install them?" he asks,
"They sloweth me not strongly,"
Knowing not what he says.

Question thee not, the wisdom of ages!
For so I admonish thee,
Thy legs shall burn and thy back ache,
If ye choose not to heed my words.
So it is written by the prophets.
So let it be done.

Thy forefathers, the elders of Mafac,
Knew not to question this wisdom.
Study thou then the setup rules,
And thou shalt stop, when it is time to stop.
And thy brakes shall not sucketh.

So verily, I say unto you:
Installeth thee thy cantilever rightly.
A righteous cantilever departs from the rim straightly,
It sits flat, at ninety degrees at rest,
Or hangs slightly lower like the ripe grapes
in my lover's vineyard;
Righteous canti brakes departeth not from this line.

If ye be hot or ye be cold, cover ye then in embrocation.
But if ye be afraid, against my wisdom, of the straddle,
Or smeareth embrocation or emolients on the pads,
Ye shall not see heaven,
But shall braketh poorly, overshoot thy line,
And DNFs shall follow thee unto thy old age.

For it is decreed that the straddle of the righteous man shall sit
three fingers height from the wheel;
Higher and thy straddle shall clear the mud,
But power shall thy cantilever lack,
And surely shall thy turns end amidst tape, and suffering,
Amid lamentations of the women, and the elders.

Should ye go lower than thy three fingers,
then shall thy straddle not clear grass.
Yet great power shalt thou have.
Lower thou not thy straddle to two or one fingers height,
Unless thou be of mighty loin and weighty girth,
or riding in dry weather,
But bewarest thou the temptations of the endo.
Of it I have warned.

Still, some have come unto me and asked,
Lord of the Cantilevers, should I get bartop levers?
Questioneth not the Lord of Cantilevers!
But seek out the answer for thyself.
For wisdom comes from seeking,
Not from abasing thyself before one on his own true path.

Art thou scared for thy immortal soul on steep downhills?
Then yes, thou needeth bartop levers as the summer needs the rain,
For bartop levers bringeth stoppage in abundance,
And halt the wheels mightily.

But if thou hast not lost faith in thy handling skills,
And if thou art true believers in the gospel of the cantilever,
Then thou needeth only feather the main levers,
That hang from the bar like ripe manna from the burning bush,
And shalt though slide the rear wheel as a serpent in the grass,
Cunningly, and with great effect.

Forsaketh thou the disc brakes of the pagans;
For they worship false gods, made of silver metal.

Remember too, when Abraham visited Sarah,
He laid not in his own poor bed but upon her superior set of pads.
Thou shouldst consider laying in the pads of the righteous,
Such as Dura Ace, or Cool Stop.
And as the angel St. Gunnar of Shogren had once remindeth us,
Thou should striveth to stay clean of rim and pad,
Lest misfortune rise up to greet thee.

Do not associate with those who are unclean.
Be thee not covered in filth, for they abhor filth.
Keepeth thy rim and pads clean always,
free of unguents, oils, incense and myrrh.
Woe betide him who touches his chain, then handles the brakes,
For he shall not slow before the treacherous cliff,
But shall live briefly to see perilous quickening.

Lastly, I say unto you,
Fear not the mark of the cantilever upon thy knee.
For verily, you shall only scrape it once,
And then forever shall you bear the mark of cantilevers.
Never will the cantilever ask you again to bear its mark,
For eternal is its covenant.

Respecteth thee the cantilever, my son,
And much will be your satisfaction.

Many are the ways of setup of the cantilever,
and subtle are its angles.
Study thou then the cantilever day and night,
And surely wisdom and happiness and reasonably
well modulated stopping power
free of mud and grass shall follow thee,
Until the end of thy days.

Amen.