Seins of the Times

You probably are confused. In all likelihood, you don't have a clue about the meaning of common events in your cycling life. Thankfully for you, I'm here to spoonfeed you meaning, and give the events of your cycling life significance.

Event: Your cat pees on your camelback / jersey / messenger bag / helmet.

Meaning: Cat is making sure that the thing in the house that most smells like a rotting dead corpse is clearly marked, so that if it returns to life and starts wandering the world seeking brains zombie-style, a stinky alarm system will be triggered. Cat thinks you should be grateful.


Event: You run a red light. Driver honks at you, flips you the middle finger.

Meaning: In Azerbaijan, raising one's middle finger is a special salute, meaning "I praise your enormous manhood." Honking one's horn means, "It is terrifying when engorged." This may refer to your bank balance, or your manhood. When the two honorifics are issued together, it takes on an entirely new meaning, "Your cycling skill is enormous." You should feel honored.

In Azerbaijan, this salute is normally followed by the driver gunning the engine. This means "I now run you over and squash you like bug, smelly Kazakh asshole!"


Event: Your wife says, "It's the bike, or me!"

Meaning: "Isn't it time for you to go out with your friends and do that 125 mile Blue Ridge ride you have been talking about for a couple weeks? Don't worry about Chad and Tiffany's wedding in Raleigh... I'll take that neighbor kid who used to mow our lawn... y'know, the one who plays tight end at Penn State now."


Event: At the water cooler, your co-worker notes that you commute by bike and asks, "isn't that scary in the traffic?"

Meaning: "Please regale me with terrifying tales of your stupid commuting and bike racing, so that I and your other co-workers can laugh at your stupidity behind your back. By the way, your office stinks of your stupid bike racing clothes, and cat pee. WTF?"


Event: A cute girl pulls up to you at a stop light on her sweet Pinarello and says, "what's the quickest way over to Georgetown from here?" You wonder... "Does she think I'm hot? Should I ask her out?"

Meaning: "Not in a million years, Goat boy. I really only want directions to Georgetown. Nice bike... my boyfriend would look really hot on that. God... does that dude smell of cat piss?"


Event: The club president approaches you to promote the club's big new race. You are flattered.

Meaning: "Um, we couldn't get anybody else to donate a couple hundred hours of spare time and sleep time to this brutal project, and were looking for a sucker who would be flattered by taking this on. Um, you're our only hope, Obi Wan. Try not to screw it up. The club has a lot riding on this, and we're going to demonstrate it by not volunteering to help in droves. No pressure..."


Event: You ask a question about what tire pressure you ought to be running on a road bike. Everybody on the list serve responds, "8 bar."

Meaning: 6 bar for average sized riders. 8 bar for lardasses. In the interest of saving some time, we can safely assume you need 8 bar. God... what's that stench?"


Event: A friend or relative is compelled to pick your brain about the latest doping scandal in cycling at a wedding / office get-together / random social event.

Meaning: your friends are really insecure and they suck, and can only feel good about themselves by running down your passion in life. Your friends also think you smell like a vagrant who has been pissed on by cats, particularly right when you are wrapping up a bike ride.


Event: You read your favorite bike blog. There are a bunch of hypothetical scenarios that are strangely like your life. You think the author is laughing at you.

Meaning: The author is laughing at you.