As I was pedaling home tonight in the near-dark through a heavy shower, a motorist honked at me. Realizing the motorist probably had trouble seeing me in the downpour, I reached down to turn on my rear light. Imagine my surprise to find it gone, stolen off my bike while it was parked in the office parking garage and I was off working today.
This gave me cause to think of you. First of all, however, I thought of my family. Road cycling is a little risky and I have a young son and a good wife to support. Cycling is a guilty indulgence for me, and it's turning into a gas saver now that I'm riding into work from near home - 22 miles on the short loop. But it's more of an indulgence than anything else and I already feel a little guilty about it. I would feel particularly guilty about getting needlessly injured while I ride. I therefore take steps to minimize the risk. One of these involved purchasing the brightest taillight I could find, the Knog Skink. It is just the ticket in bad weather and darkness, throwing off a laser beam that wakes up inattentive motorists and lets them know I am there.
Without that light, my commute is substantially more dangerous. I was thinking about that, and thinking about you, as I pedaled along in the rain. What kind of a low rent, amoral prison punk of a cyclist steals a $20 light from another cyclist? Who is so low that they'd endanger the life of another cyclist - and endanger a young boy's daddy, and a wife's husband - for $20?
Your parents must be proud of themselves for raising you to do this. Next time you see them, make sure you let them know you're the kind of adult who goes around stealing shit off other people's bikes. So what I want to know is what you do in your spare time - take money out of church collection plates? Trip elderly people as they hobble by on their walkers? Seriously, you and your midget version of morality are pretty scummy and I'm interested to know what your depraved little hobbies are.
You see, stealing people's bikes, or stealing things off their bikes, is an intensely personal thing. It's like groping a man's wife, or tearing up a woman's flower garden. It's a bit nastier than, say, shoplifting, because it violates personal space. It goes somewhere you don't get to go without permission. In this instance, you made my long and somewhat sketchy commute actually dangerous, because you took the one piece of equipment I rely on for safety from me. When you do something like that, you open yourself up for retaliation. Did you also loot some tail bags? I ask because I saw that a few tail bags on a couple bikes were open, and empty, and stealing spare inner tubes strikes me as the kind of thing you'd do, you feckless turd bucket.
So please, consider yourself on notice. I know you work in the building or the adjacent one, because it ain't a tourist garage; only people who work here park here. I know you probably ride a bike, likely a stolen one. Somebody who doesn't ride would have no use for the goofy mount on that light, and the kind of person who won't pay $15 to get their own adequate light, certainly wouldn't pay a couple hundred bucks for a bike, because that kind of person is a low rent asshole. I also know you're probably a moron who is counting on being able to indulge in your selfish little whims without any fear of retaliation, because after all, who is going to flip out over the theft of a little $20 light?
This guy is, that's who.
You will no doubt ride your shit ass bike to work, and one day you may forget to pocket the light before you get into the garage. Rest assured that if I can identify you, I'm going to knock your fucking teeth out, then pick them up and tape them to the bike rack as an example to other any other piece of shit thieves who stumble by the bike parking area.
I hope you enjoy the light. It's going to cost you a hell of a lot more than I paid for it, if I catch you.
Am I grumpy this week? Fuck yeah, I am.