As I was pedaling home tonight in the near-dark through a heavy shower, a motorist honked at me. Realizing the motorist probably had trouble seeing me in the downpour, I reached down to turn on my rear light. Imagine my surprise to find it gone, stolen off my bike while it was parked in the office parking garage and I was off working today.
This gave me cause to think of you. First of all, however, I thought of my family. Road cycling is a little risky and I have a young son and a good wife to support. Cycling is a guilty indulgence for me, and it's turning into a gas saver now that I'm riding into work from near home - 22 miles on the short loop. But it's more of an indulgence than anything else and I already feel a little guilty about it. I would feel particularly guilty about getting needlessly injured while I ride. I therefore take steps to minimize the risk. One of these involved purchasing the brightest taillight I could find, the Knog Skink. It is just the ticket in bad weather and darkness, throwing off a laser beam that wakes up inattentive motorists and lets them know I am there.
Without that light, my commute is substantially more dangerous. I was thinking about that, and thinking about you, as I pedaled along in the rain. What kind of a low rent, amoral prison punk of a cyclist steals a $20 light from another cyclist? Who is so low that they'd endanger the life of another cyclist - and endanger a young boy's daddy, and a wife's husband - for $20?
Your parents must be proud of themselves for raising you to do this. Next time you see them, make sure you let them know you're the kind of adult who goes around stealing shit off other people's bikes. So what I want to know is what you do in your spare time - take money out of church collection plates? Trip elderly people as they hobble by on their walkers? Seriously, you and your midget version of morality are pretty scummy and I'm interested to know what your depraved little hobbies are.
You see, stealing people's bikes, or stealing things off their bikes, is an intensely personal thing. It's like groping a man's wife, or tearing up a woman's flower garden. It's a bit nastier than, say, shoplifting, because it violates personal space. It goes somewhere you don't get to go without permission. In this instance, you made my long and somewhat sketchy commute actually dangerous, because you took the one piece of equipment I rely on for safety from me. When you do something like that, you open yourself up for retaliation. Did you also loot some tail bags? I ask because I saw that a few tail bags on a couple bikes were open, and empty, and stealing spare inner tubes strikes me as the kind of thing you'd do, you feckless turd bucket.
So please, consider yourself on notice. I know you work in the building or the adjacent one, because it ain't a tourist garage; only people who work here park here. I know you probably ride a bike, likely a stolen one. Somebody who doesn't ride would have no use for the goofy mount on that light, and the kind of person who won't pay $15 to get their own adequate light, certainly wouldn't pay a couple hundred bucks for a bike, because that kind of person is a low rent asshole. I also know you're probably a moron who is counting on being able to indulge in your selfish little whims without any fear of retaliation, because after all, who is going to flip out over the theft of a little $20 light?
This guy is, that's who.
You will no doubt ride your shit ass bike to work, and one day you may forget to pocket the light before you get into the garage. Rest assured that if I can identify you, I'm going to knock your fucking teeth out, then pick them up and tape them to the bike rack as an example to other any other piece of shit thieves who stumble by the bike parking area.
I hope you enjoy the light. It's going to cost you a hell of a lot more than I paid for it, if I catch you.
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Am I grumpy this week? Fuck yeah, I am.
10 comments:
...or maybe it just fell off when you were riding. As clever as the knog design is, they don't make the most securely mounted lights. I've quit buying them after losing one to a snapped rubber loop and two to potholes or other unknown road obstacles that sent them off into the wild.
I agree that something like that is possible, but the light was still there when I parked the bike yesterday morning. I distinctly remember seeing it when I bent down to lock the bike in. I'll keep your comments in mind though when buying a replacement.
Well, for me the up side is that your post reminded me that I had emptied my seat bag this week, and was relying on the stuff in my backpac. So I have just refilled before tomorrows pac free training ride, and if I flat it is you I will thank.
I keep a light on my pack, and hang one on my jersey if I leave the pack behind. I used to have a permanent one on my helmet. I suppose I should replace it.
We can't be too careful, we mean too much to the ones close to us.
Karma will take care of the thief.
Consider the planet bike superflash or if you want crazy bright a dinotte.
I am very happy with the superflash
Everyone is worried about the light (you replacing it, it falling off, etc). I'd like to see you racing cross with those teeth as a necklace. I'd let you pass me if you were wearing something like that.
TerribleTerry - you wouldn't have to let the Rouleur pass you. He'd just wait for the muddiest, steepest, most off-cambery-est, slickest, sweeping turn that everyone else was walking down like new fawns. Then he'd RAIL THAT S**T, wearing his necklace of teeth, and pass you on his own.
Rouleur - send the Bat Signal if there is a Knog Kleptomaniac, and I'm in. I'll bring the socks and bars of soap.
Seems to be a trend among scumbags to steal whatever flavor of blinky lite is on a bike. I've lost a couple. Dee's right, karma will take care of these jerks.
Anon - +1 on the DiNotte. A friend of mine has one and it's just shy of being strong enough to scramble eggs at 50 feet. Amazingly bright little light.
Terry - that's a good idea, and as soon as I get a chance to pick them out of my knuckles, I'll think about it.
Womble - that is my riding style. Of course then everybody passes me back at the uphill, where I'm on my knees in the mud, shaking my fist at the weeping skies and shouting "why? why? why must I acknowledge the existence of this uphill?" But that's how it goes.
Doug - Funny you should mention that. I've been considering changing my middle name to Karma. That, or getting "Psalm 58:10" tattooed on my toes.
I have Dinottes on the Dummy and the Cross Check. I have seared many a retina with their burning luminance.
First, I had to cauterize the hole in my checking account after enough shekels fell out to cover the heavy price, though.
I'm trying to find out what it is they use for a light at Cape Hatteras.
-B
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