I hate Duke. Viscerally. In a bone-deep sorta way. Didn't hate 'em that way when I was at UNC but watching Zoubek elbow and knee his way through the Tournament - and through De'Sean Butler's Former NBA Future - made me realize I hate Duke in a sneering-at-the-neighbor-who-is-listed-on-the-sex-offender-registry way. All of a sudden on Saturday night, for no apparent reason, I lost my shit and started screaming at the TV. At Duke. At Kitschchefski.
Damn, that feels good. I HATE Duke.
I hate Apple too. Why? Because they think we're all stupid and they do what they can to infantilize us. Too stupid to be able to replace a battery. Too stupid to be able to read books with dirty words - or words that look dirty to Apple even if they aren't. Censoring "s***m whale" in Moby Dick, but not censoring the word D*** in the title of the book? WTF?
Plus their marketing is totally full of shit and so many not-cool-enough-to-be-hipsters buy into it. Apple appliances contain 133% more Smug than any other consumer product, with the possible exception of Subaru cars, and Priuses in that shining era before Congress told us that Toyota is The Very Heart of Darkness a couple weeks ago.
I bet Ed Begley ditched the Prius and now drives a Chevy, but I also bet that he still has an I-Pod, an I-Phone, a MacBook, and the new I-Pad.
For proof that plenty of us are stupid and buy Apple's marketing bullshit, look no further than the web's gushing, splattering and overflowing font of conventional wisdom. If Apple designed doors, they'd all open automatically, but after a few years, none of its users would know how to use a doorknob. Many of us are stupid when we buy an Apple product, and the Apple product is guaranteed to make us stupider.
Yet people line up to buy Apple's shit and their condescension gladly. I will confess to owning an I-Pod but only because I'm forced to so that I can listen to music on the go without dragging a 4 pound appliance around. This is kind of like how you're forced to buy gas even if you hate oil companies. There's no other way but to buy their products. We're getting stuck with Apple because we're stuck in a lowest common denominator world, and Apple caters to the technical lowest common denominator who have trouble remembering how to turn on the lights in the kitchen, dial a phone, or for that matter, change a battery in their computer. Never mind how they absolutely screw over developers who would like to be able to sell little bits of software that Apple users could buy to make their lives better. No life-bettering, unless Steve Jobs approves of it.
Apple certainly has a number of orthopedists on staff to treat the stomach muscles torn and ribs cracked from the uncontrollable convulsive laughter of Apple designers who spend their days thinking up new ways to insult the consumer. "Hey, let's make a new product that runs on batteries, and we will make it so they can't change the batteries on their own, but have to come groveling back to us to do it. We'll also make it so that the only programmers who can make apps for it, are people we personally approve of."
It's entirely possible that Steve Jobs is Don Rickles' love child.
I hate Apple.
I don't like liver very much either.