Open Letter To: The Paleo Diet

Dear Paleo Diet,

I've decided to give you a try. In fact, I'm now in my second day of your delights. But I think we need to clear the air about a few things, otherwise this relationship is never going to last.

First of all, I really love what you've done with meat. Meat here, meat there, meat meat everywhere! I'm a carnivore at heart; in fact, I'm such a carnivore I'd only eat apex predators if I could get away with it, on the theory that if eating meat is good, then eating meat that eats other meat is at least twice as good.

However, you are out of your f***ing gourd if you think I'm going to eat cold salmon for breakfast. Smoked salmon, maybe. Give me a bagel, some cream cheese... what's that? No bagels or cream cheese? Okay. Then I repeat: you are out of your f***ing gourd if you think I'm going to eat cold salmon for breakfast. You will get ground turkey burgers, and like it!

I'd also love to try all the game meat you suggest. I understand that pheasant is super-healthy to eat, notwithstanding the lead pellets and Uncle Morty's questionable cooking techniques. But frankly, I don't have the $20/half pound that it takes to buy the amount of pheasant I would need to eat to douse my hunger. Ditto for Ostrich, Alligator, and Capybara.

Second, the meat plus all-the-green-veggies-and-all-the-fruit-you-can-eat formula is really good. It's close to what I'd eat normally. But the proscription on grains? Even whole grains? Come on. You can't tell me our Stone Age ancestors didn't rock out with some whole oats. You have any idea what kind of havoc this is playing with my cycling? Okay, fine, I haven't ridden yet since starting the diet, but I will ride tomorrow AM and I question whether I can get enough juice to ride hard for an hour+ using just cold salmon and a couple pieces of fruit. I'll try but between the low nutrient density and the flatulence, I'm just not sure it'll work.

Third... we gotta talk about this no salt/no coffee regime. That simply ain't happenin'. You can take my espresso from me when you pry it from my cold, dead, slightly shaking hands. And the salt... I'm cutting back but you can't reasonably expect a brother to eat a couple/four pounds of meat each day, and not whip out some salt on it. Bird's gotta swim, fish gotta fly, and a brother's gotta have some salt on his steak. Just the way it is. You want me to get rid of the salt, then you're going to have to okay me getting a 55 gallon drum of Arthur Bryant's World Famous hot barbecue sauce. You want that? No. Didn't think so.

Fourth... what's up with all the peeing? I'm peeing like my bladder got angry at my toilet and has decided to wear it out with overuse. I don't mind a pee at all, but honestly, I'm standing there this afternoon and a couple guys come into the john, have an extended legal discussion about the Supreme Court's most recent search and seizure decision, do their business, clean their hands, walk out, and I'm still standing there letting 'er rip. If I'm going to pee this much, we're going to need to consider some replacement plumbing parts for my nether regions, since they're going to get pretty damn worn. Either that, or maybe I can subcontract to the Fire Department.

Fifth, and finally.... the occasional bouts of dizziness are really pleasant. I mean that. With getting hammered on a nice tasty Ram's Head Tavern Ale out of the question, I have to get my buzz on where I can. Admittedly, halfway up the stairs at home or every third time I stand up at work are not optimal locations to catch a quick buzz, though I appreciate your effort. But it is the nicest buzz since I huffed the Nitrous out of a Redi-Whip can in 9th grade. Like I said though, distracting! It'd be better if you didn't give me that little gift of altered consciousness while I'm driving on the beltway or working some plywood through the tablesaw. I'd be really pissed about this whole random buzz thing but for the fact that if I feel down and cranky and need a snack, I can just go get some meat. And how could I be unhappy then.. So no matter what else happens, you are a nice diet because you definitely keep me happy, at least in the short run.

Hey, want some beef jerky?