But first, let me offer a brief salute to the Armed Forces of the United Kingdom, pictured above.
I thought Mike May was joking when he said that he wanted us to review headlights. Why do we need to review headlights? We all love headlights. They're wonderful! We love having a big old set of headlights in front of us, all night long. When you see a nice set of headlights, you know *exactly* what to do. Full steam ahead! They're like a pillow protecting you from all the bad stuff that might be out there in the darkness somewhere. Yep, it's a big old bad world, but if you've got a good set of headlights to play with... well, you'll be happy no matter what.
They gotta look good, first and foremost. Some people like big old jugs on the downtube. Not me... I like something sizeable, but sleek. Some people like real small headlights. I find small headlights are okay for some, but for me? You aren't going to see a whole lot with them, and nobody else is going to be looking at you either, when you're out with them. No, I like 'em kinda big, and in pairs, and really nice looking.
I've heard that some folks like one, or three. One or three? I had no idea such things existed. But apparently, they do. Me, I like two great big ones, with big round lenses right in the middle.
Some people like 'em kind of yellow, like an all-over tan. Not me, I'm very into the white ones - tan lines are sexy, so are great big white high beams.
They need to be kind of versatile, if I'm going to keep 'em around. It's not enough that I can flop my headlights on my head; they need to look good slung over the handlebar of my roadbike, my cross bike, the fixie, the mountain bike, and in a pinch, carefully held in my hands by a campfire.
They gotta stand out. No flaccid, floppy headlights for me; they gotta cast a long shadow, and point perkily upwards a little bit - no use spending the whole ride looking straight down at the ground past your front rubber now, is it? Of course not.
So let's review. The headlights gotta look good. They gotta be big, but not sloppy, and they have to pack kinda sleek, no big jugs draped on the downtube and crammed into the water bottle carrier. You gotta have two of them, 'cuz one isn't enough but three is just too much. They look better to my eyes if they are white, not a tanned up yellow. They have to be as good on the top of my head, as they are in my hands and on my bike. And they have to stand out a bit, not just down and straight forward, but up a bit too.
Yep, you'd need to have a magnificent set of headlights to do all that.
Fortunately, I have just such a pair at my disposal, the Cateye Double Shot.
Wait... why are you giggling? What the hell did you people think I was talking about?
Oh, you're perverts. The lot of you.