Here's the deal. You guess the crime. If you're feeling brave, note your answers in comments. The actual answers are at the bottom of the post.
And please remember, all these people are presumed innocent, at least in legal terms, except for the ones I note have been convicted.
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1. Drunk driving. Convicted of hitting and killing a retired Catholic priest beloved in the community. Okay, that's cool. It's not like she was caught smoking in a restaurant, selling high fat food without disclosing its nutritional content, driving without a seatbelt on or any of the other serious crimes that local governments in that part of the world are preoccupied with.
2. Possession of steroids. 13 year veteran of local police force. (I hear he was taking them in order to be able to shoot faster than the competition.)
3. Grand theft auto (the E felony, not the awesomely violent video game). Bonus for the ladies: Troy - accused of stealing a car, and from the looks of it crashing it too - has an address in the pen (itentiary). Troy has a profile on "Friends Beyond the Wall," a site that helps prison inmates make pen pals. He's hunky too, just packed with prison muscle. (Aside: a rugby buddy of mine spent a year in jail. When he got out he was fit as all hell, just jacked. He said he'd probably join Gold's or Bally's next time though, if given the choice, due to a better selection of quality sex partners, nicer juice bar, and greater ease of declining membership renewal offers.) Troy tells us that he's looking to meet a special friend, and that he got sent up for 12 1/2 for bank robbery, because "some things are just learned the hard way." Well, congratulations Troy, you didn't rob another bank this time, so it looks like you learned at least one thing from your complimentary stay at the Taxpayer Hotel. Oh, by the way, that profile is a little outdated; Troy tells us that he's getting out in "late 2008." Don't worry about it though; even if the address doesn't work right at this moment, I am fairly certain that it will be functioning again real soon. Geez Troy, I wish you could have stayed on the straight and narrow. The taxpayers of New York probably feel the same way. Good luck finding that special girl pal - I know she's out there looking for you, possibly with a shotgun in hand.
4. Leaving the scene of a hit and run that left the victim seriously injured. Hey, c'mon. She had an appointment to get her nails done. Girl can't be expected to just wait around on the side of the road waiting for some juiced up cop to show up and write her a ticket...
5. Driving on a suspended license, with 76 suspensions on it. Given that New York's criminal justice system is very progressive and forward thinking, the next time you read about this individual it is likely that he will have been arrested for driving on a suspended license with 77 suspensions on it. I wonder if there's a special bonus if he gets to a hundred.
6. Reckless Huckstering of Sham-Wow, and using a Slap-Chop on a prostitute. Yes, it's Vince Shlomi, the Sham Wow guy. He allegedly got in a pay dispute with a prostitute in his hotel room. He says he paid her $1000 for sex, that she bit his tongue when he went to kiss her, and that she wouldn't let go until he kicked her ass. He probably didn't put it quite that way, and likely said something like, "mmmph mooph mmmmph mmmmph mph mmmmph." Police noted that the hookup occurred in a Miami club in the middle of the night, the fight occurred at 4:00 AM, and that "[b]oth parties had a strong odor of an alcoholic beverage emitting from their persons. . ." I believe that this incident validates Czaban's Iron Law of Saloons: Nothing good ever happens in a bar after midnight.
5 comments:
Is that a sham-wow he's wearing?
-B
What goes on in people's heads? Do these people have any normal thoughts, ever? I must be dense because when I read this kind of stuff, I'm continually amazed. Things still surprise me and I think, no, can't be true. Too bizarre. Turns out I'm often wrong.
Eric
Bluenoser - it's evidence of a slapchop.
Eric - There are a lot of good people out there but many, many people have major problems. The scene in Full Metal Jacket / Gustav Hasford's The Short Timers where the Drill Instructor walks in on a deranged Private Pyle as the poor fellow gets ready to kill himself sums it up. "What is your major malfunction, Private Pyle!?" Thing is, there wasn't anything wrong with Private Pyle, or with any of the other Gyrenes. To some extent, I don't think there's anything wrong with most people who commit crimes, per se. As many criminals as there are - I'm talking mugshot felonies here not just speeding - you have to think that maybe there's something fouled up in human nature that makes us capable of great evil and great good, all in the same skin. Most of the mugshots are either people who are sort of inverted (more bad than good) or who had a really bad day (the otherwise clean record with a DUI hit & run). I used to puzzle about how human nature could go so awry or how some people could be so exceptionally good but I don't puzzle any longer, I just sort of accept that the possibilities are within us and it's up to us to make it happen, except for a few poor bastards who have major malfunctions.
I'm a pro computer geek, so I know I have natural-language parsing issues, but how can you leave the scene of a hit and run? You can leave the scene of an accident, so turning it into a hit and run, but wouldn't leaving the scene of a hit and run, imply that someone else ran over a pedestrian and fled the scene, leaving the girl to saunter away afterwards, perhaps without calling 911. Or was that the point?
Uncle Bob - yeah, I thought the grammar was a little messed up. But this is Long Island Newsday reporting these and the Suffolk County PD. I just presume that everybody who lives in that area is more or less like the "Night at the Roxbury" characters and don't sweat it when I read some grammar that is so harsh, that my eyes actually crash together while I'm reading it. It's possible that the charge was hit & run (which sounds like a good name for a convenience store) and the editor was just trying to express additional outrage over the outrageous outrageousness of her behavior.
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