Sure, I could joke about it. For instance:
Q: What's the difference between single ply recycled toilet paper and sandpaper?
A: Sandpaper is smooth on one side.
But I won't. The Toilet Paper Crisis is far, far too serious for joking. That 98% figure, and the estimation that this is one of the biggest problems, um, facing us, makes me realize I can't argue with facties like that or even joke about them. So if you truly care about saving the Erf, you need to use the roughest, nastiest recycled toilet paper you can find, because that's the stuff that used the least resources in the manufacturing process. Hell, maybe you should use sawdust chips, the ones you don't blend into your organic oatmeal for breakfast, anyhow. Sure, it won't be comfortable wiping yourself with what was a cardboard box just yesterday, but the constant achy, itchy feeling and periodic cuts and bruises on the most delicate part of your fundament will be a testament to your love of the Erf. I'm pretty certain you'll be able to brag about this at local Neighborhood Association meetings and at cocktail parties; I bet it gives you the permanent moral high ground in nearly any conversation.
For those who would like to enjoy the same amount of redemptive suffering but who cannot bear the thought you can buy a hair shirt and join a rigorous Catholic monastic order. Sorry I don't have a product link; Amazon does what they call "customer satisfaction" but they don't usually consider self-torture to be related to satisfaction. Maybe you could use one of these in the mean time:
7 comments:
actually the bleaches and chemicals to make TP white are a big percentage of the problem
Why do we desire white toilet paper anyway? I say save a step and start with brown paper...
You know that most chicks actually don't like the whole quilted foo foo toilet paper? At least the chicks I hang out with, they like it rough.
My word verification is ovenon. Are those fire trucks headed to my house?
The Marcal link states:
"Best price $46.99
or Buy New $47.07"
OR buy new? Soooo, the premium on new vs. used TP is only $0.08?
F*ck the environmentalists, I'll use whatever TP I damn well please.
My point is if you want to ensure that TP is coming from scrubby crop tree farms bred for pulp, that's cool. If you want the brown stuff made with less bleach, that's cool too. (Understanding, of course, that Chlorine is a natural byproduct of many, many industrial chemical processes, so we're going to have literally millions of tons of the stuff sitting around anyhow, not like you're going to just eliminate that from existence). But the thing is, once TP goes to the solid waste disposal plant, it's getting turned into a nitrogen-rich dust which gets used to help grow more plants - trees, crops, whatever. It's just cellulose wood fiber. Feel free to clean up the process a bit, but don't tell us that we need to use 120 grit sandpaper on our asses or the Erf will cry and we'll be bad people.
The NRDC and Greenpeace's going off on this particular point reinforces what is starting to become a fairly stubborn belief on my part - that while taking care of the environment is a good thing, much of the 'movement' isn't about achieving results, but instead is about replacing the hair shirt that churches used to ask us to wear with some other form of religiously-motivated self flagellation. If we can only feel guilty enough about living, we'll be redeemed. I reject that notion; we don't live at the sufferance of the earth but as creatures of it, evolved to live our lives with some flair, not cringing in darkness, bemoaning the fact that for us to live, other plants / animals / bits of fluffy paper must die. Seriously - if you need absolution that badly, become Catholic and go to confession. It's easier to get your sins forgiven in the traditional way than it is to find environmentally friendly toilet paper that feels like something other than a wood rasp. I probably wouldn't feel as strongly about this but for having lived 8 or 9 years in places with crummy toilet paper, where they had it at all. Good TP is one of the hallmarks of civilization, along with a proper martini and dinner table manners.
They'll take the mildly scented girly foo foo paper from me when they pry it from my cold, dead, smelly fingers.
Jim
I once knew a couple (very briefly) who used Mullen leaves as TP. Seriously! They were into what they called an agrarian/ communist lifestyle. They had a Mullen crop as part of their garden and insisted on walking everywhere as well. The father (who was a self rightious prick) always wore a Greek fishermans cap, carried a satchel and used a long walking stick.
Interestingly one of their kids was constantly bouncing off the walls and the other one was a mute who wouldn't leave his mothers side. Perhaps it was the Mullen, perhaps it was their parents?
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