Friday Fun Stuff

First and foremost, with the $450 Campy Super Record starting to hit the stores (and the finance sector bailout, and the putative Big Three bailout, and mortgage market troubles and all the rest), I think it's only fair to ask our friends who race on Campy a key question: How do you afford that Rock & Roll Lifestyle? I'll let John McCrea of CAKE ask that question in case you missed it the first time.



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You want to know the most dangerous place in your town to hang out? Really?

No, it's not where the guys in ricers do street drags on Saturday nights.

It's not at the dive bars.

It's not at the gun shop.

No, it's at Chuckie Freakin Cheese's.

Money Shot #1:

The biggest melee broke out in April, when an uninvited adult disrupted a child's birthday party. Seven officers arrived and found as many as 40 people knocking over chairs and yelling in front of the restaurant's music stage, where a robotic singing chicken and the chain's namesake mouse perform.

Money Shot #2:

"There's a biker bar down the street, and we rarely get calls there."

If you read the article it's clear what the problem is - amateur drinkers. Never trust a drunk who doesn't drink. They can't hold their liquor. Pathetic. And can you imagine what kind of frickin' trauma it is to have your birthday party at Chuck E. Cheese's shut down so the cops can break up a brawl and arrest your mom, dad, Uncle Bob and cousin Sophie? That's the kind of thing that 40 year-olds have to work through in therapy. If your wife, husband, or SO is having some sort of issues, or has some incredibly strange sexual kink, or is a psychopath, you might be able to help them out by asking one simple question: "Do you now, or have you ever, celebrated a birthday a Chuckie Cheese's?

The time has come to shut down these disreputable hellholes that blight American society. I hope you'll join me in putting them out of business, and putting amateur booze hounds back where they belong - scarfing too much free booze and embarassing themselves at weddings, bar mitzvahs, and the office Christmas party.

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True Story:

My kid just turned 5. He's at the pediatrician on Tuesday, and the doc asks him some questions to test cognitive development.

Q: If an elephant is big, what is a mouse?

Will answers, "Small." The doc checks off the box.

Q: If fire is hot, what is an ice cube?

Will says "cold." The doc checks off another box.

Q: If mommy is a woman, what is daddy?

Will doesn't miss a beat. "A lawyer."

The doc slaps his forehead, checks the box, and cuts the questioning short. "There's nothing wrong with this kid."

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That's enough fun for one day, isn't it?