Couldja Pass the Tofurkey?

If you don't have the stones needed to kill it and clean it, you probably shouldn't be eating it. See those sharp teeth on the front of your mouth? They were evolved to be omnivorous. Those pointy ones on the side are particularly useful for tearing at bits of London Broil, or gamy venison. See that thumb? Very, very useful for grasping a club.

There's nothing wrong with being a vegetarian, or being a meateater, IMAO. But there is something wrong with eating meat, then getting hysterical over how it gets to your plate. The Turkeygeddon pseudo-scandal is a particularly grotesque example of it, and if I see anybody complaining about Turkeygeddon then eating a piece of meat, I'm going to slap it out of their hands and eat it myself, just to make a point. And if they have a problem with that, I'll bite them too, just to see how they taste.

I read an article the other day about a family that joyously serves Mac & Cheese at Thanksgiving, because it got them out of the tough task of explaining to their kid about where the turkey came from.

Newsflash: if you don't have the stones to explain the provenance of the real national bird - roast turkey - to your kids, you probably aren't going to be very much use to them when they face genuine problems in their lives.

By no means do you need to be gung ho about killing tasty animals and processing them. You don't need to make a 4 year-old go bust a cap in Tom Turkey's aisch, and you don't need to butcher old Bessie yourself. Even the most glorious hunt with the cleanest and most humane kill, along with an unexpectedly easy gutting and butchering is nasty work at best. Even if the blood and what not didn't make you queasy, the smells and assorted visceral goings on when you clean an animal carcass and butcher it could be tough to take. If you don't do that kind of thing on a factory basis, you may find yourself, say, gutting a deer, and you get a good look at its gut and get a little funny feeling, thinking, "he was just eating lunch. Just like I was a half hour ago."

You don't have to do all that, but you should be honest enough with yourself to admit where that tasty stuff comes from, and the fact that you value living and the sweet taste of cheesburgers (or turkey legs, as the case may be) more than you value the life of the turkey or cow. In the western cultural tradition and judeo-christian moral tradition - traditions that generally guide our way of life even if we aren't big fans - that's perfectly acceptable. Don't sweat it, alright? You're living the way humans were physically evolved to live, and the way our culture evolved. It's normal. Stop lying on the floor in the fetal position screaming just because your kid asked if the pork roast came from Porky Pig.

You should be honest with yourself, and accept how you live, and if you don't like it, change how you live and spare the rest of us the histrionics. And if you meet one of these network guys who think the above video of Turkeygeddon, or the Turkypocalypse is alarming, slap the cheeseburger out of their well-manicured arm, eat the burger, and bite them. Alright? Can you do that for me? Thanks. I'm trying to cut down on the junk food.

Now pass the stuffing, willya? Um no, not that one. The one with the sausage in it. Thank you. Care for the drumstick?