Burt friggin' Hoovis clues us in on this great, nearly-quite-safe-for-work blog, Take a Report. Basically, the guy says what you're probably thinking, only he says it in funnier ways.
Plus he's willing to post Scary Sarah Jessica Parker hand pictures.
Cripes, that's terrifying. You normally only see hands like that on The Cryptkeeper. Or perhaps reaching up out of the ground in zombie films. Sex in the City my ass - it's clear why she couldn't maintain a long term relationship, given those hands. They're like a Picture of Dorian Gray, except all the aging goes into the back of her hands, rather than her picture on the wall. Random SITC guy gets up, he's eating breakfast in her kitchen, notices those grippers wrapped around a cup of joe, and then blows orange juice right out of his nose, just before he runs screaming out of the room. Meanwhile, she calls her friend, the blonde trampy one, and wants to know why she is always stuck pulling guys who have this thing about blowing orange juice out their nose at breakfast and then running screaming from her apartment... Just like Julia Louise Dreyfuss' character on Seinfeld was insanely hot and the inside joke is that nobody noticed it, Sarah Jessica Parker was sociopathic and a bit scary looking, and nobody was supposed to notice that. I think she'd be pretty attractive if she put on 20 pounds (Renee Zellwegger... white courtesy phone) but I guess she prefers having starving zombie hands.
Speaking of - which of these two is the greatest Zombie flick of 2004 - Sean of the Dead, or the 2005 Zack Snyder remake of Dawn of the Dead?
Discuss.
8 comments:
I've long commented on the undercover visual brutality of Ms. Parker. Thanks for bringing the truth to a wider audience.
That was NOT an exceptional race on L'Alpe. Looked like a MABRA 4 field where the strong team is sitting up and sometimes chasing their leader back while everyone watches the guy who they think will beat them.
Sammy Sanchez deserves a pat on the back for giving us SOME sort of drama...Christian tried but everyone else was so fresh from NOT RACING up the climb that they caught him before the line.
I'll miss the years of rampant doping and epically savage rides up the mountains.
Shaun of the Dead, definitely, it is so awesome!
All I can think of is that Seinfeld episode about Man Hands....I have 20 pounds I can donate to SJP to take the edge off those hands!!
Those cannot be her hands, no way.
Ryan - my pleasure. Sorta.
Pete - yeah, it looked just like a MABRA 4 field except for the fact they are actually fast, and none of the GC contenders could manage to get away, except Sastre who probably isn't really a GC contender ultimately. Oh yeah, and every one of them took a couple digs before giving up.
Anon - I'm kind of with you but Dawn just drips with irony. The shooting contest bit was pretty funny. "Jay Leno". The music was really good too. It's a tough call. I'd probably have to go with Sean in the end because it's Clerks meets Trainspotting meets George Romero, and I'm a big fan of mashups.
Karen - I'll let you know if I hear about her taking donations.
Judi - no, I think those gruesome mitts are in fact Sarah Jessica Parker's hands. I warned you they were scary.
Shaun, a hundred times Shaun.
Hot Fuzz was excellent too.
never had even the slightest attraction to her. hmm.
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