Summary of New Doping Allegations

Ricardo Rico - suspected of using EPO analogue. First accused when the tiny climbing specialist managed to gap the GC contenders by a minute on a really steep hill, when the GC contenders were sitting up eating Clif Bars, Cytomax, and a Sport Beans / Folic Acid / Heroin mix.

Phil Liggett - suspected of doping early in a flat stage of the 2008 TdF when, for five straight minutes, he failed to say "reaching into his suitcase of courage," "oh, he's in a spot of bother now," or "sorry for the picture breakup." The doping accusations were quashed when Bob Roll noticed unemployed Al Trautwig rooting around the back of the Versus trailer, playing with the switch to Liggett's neverending voice tape loop.

Update: Leonardo Piepoli – first suspected of doping in the 2007 Giro d’Italia when he inexplicably hauled Ricardo Ricco up several mountains only to give him the wins. Confirmed dopingas a f***ing moron in the 2008 TdF Race for the Pinstripes, after which his team, Saunier Duval Organized Doping ‘R’ Us, Inc., withdrew from the Tour highstepped it to Mexico to express regret and shame in an attempt to avoid the long arm of the Gendarmerie for its riders’ unsanctioned drug use as an inevitable consequence of management sanctioned, team-wide doping. The popular and well-liked hated and reviled Piepoli is looking to end his career with a flourish and a good performance in shackles at the Tour in a dank French prison alongside a bunch of the world’s most accomplished riders Algerian pickpockets, corrupt local politicians and sleazy Marseilles pimps.Fixed.

Cadel Evans - suspected of being on Xanax, Lithium, Quaaludes and other mood levelers and depressents. First suspected when he claimed to be "racing" for three straight weeks in July, 2007, but then never made any efforts to actually race for nearly three straight weeks.

Vaughters - LSD. More than you can imagine. It's not for nothing that he was known as "The Doctor Albert Hoffman of the Peloton." Probably Timothy Leary's love child.

George Hincapie - magic mushrooms. First suspected when he started waving his arms and reaching for things that were imaginary or forever just out of his grasp - like the big cobblestone trophy that Paris-Roubaix winners get or imaginary GC chances in the TdF.

Paul Sherwen - alleged to be doping when he said something amusing in 2002. Aware that he was under suspicion, he immediately ceased engaging in any amusing banter.

Al Trautwig - not doping, just clueless.

Christian Van de Velde - suspected of doping when lifelong high quality domestique in the peak of his career found himself in third in a TdF where none of the contenders bothered to attack. Additionally suspected due to membership on a team that regularly tests itself, now believed to be guilty under the theory that "methinks the argyle gentleman pre-testeth too much."

Dave Zabriskie - not suspected of doping. Just goofy.

Lars Ulrich - first evidence of doping came after "And Justice For All" made the Billboard LP Top Ten in 1987, which was a total sellout that early fans completely rejected. Still, Ulrich perservered and won the TdF in 1997 before retiring under a cloud in 2003, and testifying before Congress about what a kick in the balls Napster was to the band's profits. Not surprised by the doping allegations; Ulrich has long been known to live like a rock star.

Bernard Hinault - historically thought to be a clean rider until the 2008 Tour, when he kicked smelly hippy ass on the road, and even more smelly hippy ass when said smelly hippy attempted to occupy the podium. Definitely synthetic testosterone - gobs and gobs of it.

Frank VandenBroucke - first suspected of doping during his pre-gestational stages. Substance: everything. VandenBroucke's presence in Italy in 2005 resulted in Cocaine being placed on the Endangered Species List.

Tyler Hamilton - Oxycodone. First use - 2004. Only Hillbilly Heroin is strong enough to make anybody older than 5 years of age claim that their non-existent imaginary twin actually did it.

Tom Boonen - first suspected of doping in early 2008. Substance: Viagra, Thai Stick, and Thai 14 year olds. Hey, you just haven't lived until you've been pulled over in your Porsche, coked up to the gills, doing 180 MPH with an underage girl and a world championship jersey on the back seat and the radio playing a techno song talking about your greatness. Take my word on that.

Ivan Basso - not a doper. It's just that he's such an unpopular loser, he thought he could fit in with the cool kids if he said he took drugs. In reality, he's straighter than an arrow, and a great kid. But boy, is he ever paying for lying about his hobbies. Or am I thinking about an old ABC After School Special I saw on TVLand the other week?

Christophe Moreau - tested positive for using anabolic steroids in the late 90's. Reformed, but recently accused of doping when he switched from from Francais des Jeaux second division AG2R to second third division Agritubel. Clearly on something to have pulled a stunt like that. Nobody knows what he's on, but Astana allegedly put in an order for 6 cases of it.

Me - I can't believe I give a shit about racing. Seriously. So many of these guys are just shitheads. There are enough cheaters, even knowing damn well that the French are going to go hog wild with testing, to totally call into question all results. Yet still I watch the race. What the hell... I don't remember taking anything... maybe my wife is slipping something into my Metamucil.