Did a commute with extras for the training ride today. Gotta take it easy since I will try to kill myself tomorrow night at Wednesdays at Wakefield. (See y'all there, boys & girls).
Meanwhile, I'm going to wax Jeff Foxworthyish for a minute here and talk about the re-emergence of the BTGs, the BikeTrailGuys. There weren't that many of them out today amongst the swarming crowds of commuters and stray velopeople, but the ones that were out were doozies. Forthwith:
You may be a BTG if...
You are doing the chickenhead pedalmash just to pass that guy in a local velo club jersey, who appears to be doing an easy spin and chatting on the phone.
You are swerving back and forth more than Tomke's Porsche in an effort to hold some other commuter's wheel.
You step into the middle of the trail without looking, obstruct damn near the entire thing with your wide stance, look up, then freeze like a rabbit in the middle of heavy bike traffic.
You wheelsuck for 5 miles without asking, then swoop around at the end of the biketrail to sprint for the post that marks the end, y'know, to take the win. Dude, a standing sprint?
Yep. You just might be a BTG if you're sprinting to win the commute. [Applause].
You might be a BTG if you're a Japanese guy who, two years after it was first noted, still wears his helmet backward - square end forward - and commutes in a down jacket never mind the 80 degree temps.
If you nearly cause a huge crash trying to pass three Mommies, each pushing a double stroller... you just might be a BTG.
If you have an enormous backpack on, front and rear panniers, yet you're trying to race people on the bike trail... you might be a BTG.
If you're a reasonably fit looking guy in a Primal jersey and you're transparently riding behind three very cute but obviously under-age high school girls on hybrids going 4 MPH, then you are probably a BTG.
If you go to the family re-union to meet girls... who you can later drop on a Cap Crescent biking date the way Armstrong dropped Ulrich, you might be a BTG.
If you stand up and do a hard climbing effort on one of the tiny bridges because somebody just passed you like you were standing still... it's possible you're a BTG.
You might be a BTG if your bike squeaks like a cage full of chipmunks. Chipmunks blowing on tiny whistles, slapping tiny cymbals and rubbing their tiny fingernails on tiny chipmunk blackboards.
Finally...
If you are riding a bike that costs more than a good top-of-the-line suit, but you can't break the speed limit on the Cap Crescent, except when you're riding in the downhill direction... you just might be a BTG.
12 comments:
You guys have all the fun down there. I bet even if we had bike trails here, they wouldn't be as interesting as that.
You know, as a guy from another suburb, or city, or state, or country, or probably even continent I think it's appropriate to advise you that until 2006 your reference to Jeff Foxworthy would have been returned with a blank expression. And maybe a little bit of drool in one corner of the mouth.
These days I have a Redneck Comedy Tour album in my MP3 player so I'm totally up with your lingo. Or is that down. I can never remember.
I just remembered what my actual comment was going to be...
We don't have anything like a BRG here because all our bike trails are 4 feet wide, littered with gravel and broken bottles and home to snakes and rapists in about equal proportions.
If I'm itching for a fight I ride the nearest bike trail with a baseball bat flushing loiterers out of the undergrowth. By the time my 7 year old daughter "blossoms" she'll be able to travel the local bike trails alone at night in a bathing suit in complete safety.
Or I'll be in jail. One or the other.
Big Mike: As you know, Rednecks are a world-wide phenom, and can be found in rural areas as well as any city on earth. They just get tv shows, a tour bus and Nascar here, therefore a voice. :p
Whew. I'm not a BTG.
You almost had me with the "three very cute but obviously under-age high school girls on hybrids going 4 MPH"
But they were all late twenties, on Cervelos and doing 19 mph.
John, where you live, they'd be referred to as "gunshot victims," rather than BTGs.
Mike - Why can't it be both? Are you like the bicycle-borne Mad Max of Ozzie bike trails?
Sean - it's entirely possible that during the course of intervals yesterday you had a near-death experience. I can't imagine anything else that would put a celestial vision of three twenty-something hot chicks riding hard on Cervelos into the middle of the collossal sausage-fest that is Enthusiast-Level Road Cycling.
Jim, whatever it was...
Don't. Ruin. The. Fantasy.
I have to remember all of these and point them out to the BF every now and then. If you were at HP last night you might have noticed me sucking his wheel and him doing one-legged drills. Would love to do Wakefield tonight but we are doing Greenbelt so I don't blow myself up for 12 hours of CM on Saturday!!!
Aside from the post-apocolyptic component Mad Max is a bio-pic loosely based on my life. Some poetic licence was needed however. I'm far better looking than Mel Gibson. And according to the court petitions I've fathered more kids. But not all of them have my eyes so I'm not admitting anything.
I've totally seen the "Japanese guy who, two years after it was first noted, still wears his helmet backward - square end forward - and commutes in a down jacket never mind the 80 degree temps." He was wearing shorts, right?
awesome post! totally made me smile. i think this btg is why i am staying the hell off the bike trail! and the strollers just get on my nerves! yesterday i saw a girl with a running stroller and inside the stroller was a freaking DOG! a PUG!
Sean, you're how old and you ride a bike? I don't think anything I do could ruin your little fantasy. Nor you mine.
LNH - I think he was. I can't get past the square end of his helmet pointing forward. He normally wears jeans, which is cool, but may have had khaki shorts on the other day.
Judi... What can you say. Kids these days! Hooligans! Now where's my Geritol... You see, you keep reading this stuff, we'll turn you into a cyclist yet. Soon enough, you'll be wearing jerseys with sleeves *and* collars, and muttering to yourself about people who can't oil their chain or corner. Now *that* is the dark side.
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