Thursday, May 29, 2008
My Man Jens...
Jens Voigt doesn't read books. He simply attacks until the books relent and tell him everything he wants to know.
Waldo can't be found because Jens dropped him on a hill training ride... on K2.
Jens doesn't spin or mash the pedals... he kicks them into submission.
Jens Voigt puts the "laughter" in "Manslaughter."
Jens Voigt climbs so well for a big guy because he doesn't actually climb hills; the hills slink into the earth in fear as they see him approach.
If you are a UCI ProTour rider and you Google "Jens Voigt," the only result you get is "it's not to late to take up kickball, Fred."
Jens was a math prodigy in elementary school, putting "Attack!" in every blank space on all his tests. It would be the wrong answer for everybody else, but Jens is able to solve any problem by attacking.
Jens' testicles are bald because hair does not grow on a mixture of titanium, brass, steel, and cold, hard granite.
Some lucky horses are hung like Jens Voigt.
Eddy Merckx was actually a neo-pro at the same time as Jens, but Jens dropped him so hard that he shot backwards in time to the 1960's, where he became a great champion.
Jens once had a heart attack on the Tourmalet. Jens counterattacked repeatedly until he kicked its ass.
Jack was nimble, Jack was quick... and Jens still drove him to quit racing bikes and become an ice dancing commentator on Lifetime.
If Jens Voigt was a country, his principle exports would be Pain, Suffering, and Agony.
If Jens Voigt was a planet, he'd be the World of Hurt.
Jens Voigt doesn't know where you live, but he knows exactly where you will die.
Jens Voigt doesn't have a shadow because he dropped it repeatedly until it retired, climbing into the CSC team car and claiming a stomach ailment.
Jens Voigt visited the Virgin Islands last year. They are now The Islands.
Jens Voigt once challenged Lance Armstrong to a "who has more testicles" contest. Jens won... by five.
When you open a can of whoop-ass, Jens Voigt jumps out and attacks.
You are what you eat. Jens Voigt eats spring steel for breakfast, fire for lunch, and a mixture of titanium and carbon fiber for dinner. For between-meal snacks he eats men's souls, and downs it with a tall cool glass of The Milk of Human Suffering.
Jens Voigt believes it's not butter.
Jens Voigt can eat just one.
The first time man split the atom was when the atom tried to hold Jens Voigt's wheel, but cracked.
Jens Voigt is the new black.
Jens Voigt doesn't complain about what suffering does to him... but suffering constantly complains about getting picked on by Jens Voigt.
Jens Voigt can start a fire by rubbing two mud puddles together.
Guns kill a couple dozen people every day. Jens Voigt kills 150.
Jens's tears are so tough they could be the world heavyweight mixed-martial arts champion. Too bad Jens never cries.
Greg Lemond wasn't shot in the leg by his brother, as he claimed... those near-fatal wounds were from Jens Voigt, who accidentally spat on him during a training ride. Lemond only made up the story because Jens didn't want to scare all other bicyclists to death.
The Book of Revelations originally said "and behold a pale horse: and his name that sat on him was Jens Voigt." They changed "Jens Voigt" to "Death" because Jens doesn't want the world to end yet, not until he's reached deep into his suitcase of courage and punished the peloton a few more times.
God is Jens Voigt's co-pilot.
Jens Voigt rides so fast during attacks, that he could circle the globe, hold his own wheel, and ride in his own draft. At least as long as he didn't try to drop himself.
Jens Voigt nullified the periodic table because he doesn't believe in any element, other than the element of surprise.
The grass is always greener on the other side. Unless Jens Voigt has been riding on the other side in which case it's white with the salty, dried tears of all the riders whose souls he has crushed.