Readers Write

In addition to the mad props, criticism and penis enlargement offers I get from my loyal readers, sometimes I get questions. I try to answer them to the best of my ability. Forthwith... Readers Write.

Dear Unholy Rouleur,

I am wondering what kind of tire pressure you would run on a hard pack course that has a sandpit in it. I've been having problems negotiating sandpits in cross races lately, and know you have been working through some issues in sandpits, and thought you might have some insight. Any help here?

Jedediah Clampett
Incest, OK

Jed,

I'm going to be charitable here, because I think you're probably of limited intelligence. But be warned, a decent blogger would send out a couple large gentlemen of Sicilian extraction to kick your ass for asking such a stupid question. First of all, why are you asking a guy who has problems in this area, how to fix your problem? What are you, some kind of inbred jackhole? No, really. I've written repeatedly that every time I ride into a sandpit on skinny wheels, I sink like Natalie Freakin' Wood. What in hell would ever possess you to ask me a question about this? I haven't a f***ing clue about how to ride sandpits without sinking in up to my bottom bracket, other than maybe riding in the A race after fat C riders and mediocre B riders have packed the sand down into a semi-rideable condition. In fact, I was thinking about sending you an email and asking you the same thing.

Ahh, what the hell. I guess you don't mean nothin' by it.

Here's what I'd do, if I was in your shoes. I'd try running a 700x21 tubular on the front, I know it sounds counterintuitive, but trust me on this. Put the pressure as high as you can get it without the tire blowing off the rim, you may need a track tire to do this. 245 PSI should work. Keep your weight over the handlebars too. This should help.

I hope this helps. Moron.

Unholy Rouleur

Dear Ungodly Roper,

I'm thinking about getting a new bike. I'm torn between the Pinarello Idiote, and the Colnago Imbecilly. The Pinarello costs $15,000, and it comes with a squiggly fork, squiggly seat stays, squiggly top tube, squiggly seat, and a special squiggly paint job. The Colnago is a monocoque carbon design, with a one piece integrated carbon frame/stem/handlebar/bar tape/STI/bike computer combination. Apparently they make all of that at one time, in a single piece. It has a really great paint job on it, and Ernesto Colnago is said to have named it after one of his nephews, Giovanni Ewen Imbecilly. If it helps you figure out which bike would suit me better, I'm moving up to one of these bikes from a full carbon Cervelo with Mavic Cosmic Carbones. I'm having a tough time choosing. If you were in my shoes, what would you do?

Chad Wetherington IV
Williamsburg, NY

Chad,

If I were in your shoes, I'd spend the $15,000 on hookers and blow, keep riding the Cervelo, and then ask daddy for some more trust fund money for a new bicycle. Repeat as needed, i.e. every time you get a little low on blow or hookers.

I'm pretty sure this will fix you right up. If you're still having trouble after this, I suggest you try even more blow and hookers. That will *definitely* help.


Unholy Rouleur

Dear Unholy Rouleur,

Rumor has it you recently mounted a set of tubulars on an old set of Mavic 330 rims to use on your cross bike. So, is it true? That is, what do you think of the process of gluing and mounting tubulars?

A. F. Ingwanker
Leeds, England

Dear A.F.,

#*%&@ing #%*!!!

Can you %(*@&%in #*@&% #%*&@& that #%$#?!??!!!

Holy ($^&!!!! %$(*@ $%(@& on a camel, I didn't think something could be that (*$^&@ing *($*#ed. Next time I say I want to try something like this, just take me out back ad $%*(ing #%*(@ me. Okay?

There, does that answer your question? Hope you feel enlightened now, you impertinent *%&$#$er.

Unholy Rouleur

Dear Unholy Rouleur,

I like riding a fixed gear bike a lot. I ride from 12th & U to my office at 14th and K pretty much every day, and some nights I go cruise Georgetown with it. Lately, I've discovered that there are actually roads outside the District. I went out with some friends last week to this place called Elly-Coat City. There were really big hills there. And the people just rode up and down them. And it was really pretty. And we rode for like hours. But it hurt my knees. And I crashed on a downhill because I couldn't slow down, which was weird.

Now here's the weird thing, and the question. I'd like to do that kind of thing more often. But the skinny jeans I borrowed off my totally hot girlfriend start to chafe after a while, and I have a sneaking suspicion that maybe my bike isn't quite set up for this kind of riding. What should I do?

Jack B. Astard
Washigton, D.C.

Dear Jack,

Shoot yourself. Ever since life got easy, post-Industrial Revolution, mindless trend following morons like you have been left in the gene pool. It's getting to be time to get the Eternal Pool Boy out here to do some skimming - the waters getting pretty cloudy. Do the right thing for the good of the species, and go take a dirt nap. Look on the bright side - you might start a trend.

In the alternative, you could get a geared road bike with brakes and a Brooks saddle and enjoy those long rides in the country. That way you could have fun, the bicycling community would pick up somebody who uses the bike as something to ride rather than a mere fashion accessory, and the Brooks would preclude you from ever breeding, so we'd all be happy and mankind's future would be assured.

Just do it, Jack.

Unholy Rouleur