The History of Knickers

Kurt K - a freshly minted Cat III who rides for the Squadra - asked an innocent enough question on the club listserve today. "What's up with Knickers and cyclocross?" The occasion of the club's fall clothing order, with its baffling array of skinsuits, knickers and cold weather gear prompted his question. At first, I thought it was mere senility, but then I realized... maybe he didn't know how knickers came to be associated with cyclocross. So I thought I'd explain it to him.

The knicker's roots are in Victorian England.

Back in the good old days, when bi-cyclists pedaled their velocipedes about the town, and took bracing cold baths to stave off both gout and rampant sexual desire, it became obvious that Jodhpurs and hoop skirts were inadequate at protecting the nether regions of the rider's fundament from the four principle elements. Yet at the same time, a full swathing of the legs in Hudson Bay Blankets, goat chaps, or similar protective capes and tarps was found wanting, as they constantly became caught in the velocipede's drive train, to wit between the ground and the rider's feet as he paddled along. (This was even worse for the distaff sex, who had to paddle their feet side-saddle style).

Early Cyclocross Whip: The Velocipede
(No Eggbeater pedals here...)

A new form of race-ing necessitated the invention of the knicker -- Velocipede-o-Cross. My dear faithful readers, please rest easy, I assure you it is not an Irish sport, despite the name.

Stephan Roche
(as he would have been depicted in the London Times, Circa 1870)

This new form of velocipede pilotry was exceedingly demanding on clothing items, consisting of races wherein the rider attempted to paddle his steed along cobblestone streets, rutted wagon paths and cow-pat infiltrated meadows, stopping only to hoist up his 80 pound wood and steel mount upon his shoulders, to hurdle the fence onto the town commons, thereinafter to run up and down hills with it until regurgitating his hearty lunch of cold roast beef, ale, blood pudding, spotted dick and Claret.

Spotted Dick
(Tasty, but looks pretty much the same going in as it does coming out, either end)

Kilts were suggested at the outset, but allegations were leveled that kilts were either too manly, or too girly for velocipedists to wear. A council convened in time for the 1884 World Exposition by H.R.H. Victoria II, Defender of the Faith, God rest her soul, were unable to conclude whether kilts were girly in a manly sort of way, or manly in a girly sort of way, so the search for proper riding gear continued.

H.R.H. Her Majesty, Queen Victoria II
("We are not amused by your Spotted Dick, Mr. Rouleur.")

The council determined that although short woolen shorts were quite comfortable, they were inadequate for the task. Shards of metal often flew off the riders' wheels (the ultra-lightweight wood and steel rings (just 19,400 grams!) having been fashioned from the finest materials by the local coopers and blacksmithies. More disturbingly, these provocative shorts frequently inflamed sex-ual desire and causing fainting among the young ladies of tender age, who were so often keen witnesses to the ex-ploits of derring-do by the velocipaedists.

Woolen Velocipaedist Short Shorts
(Don't worry - there's a support group for your parents to join.
It'll help them accept you for who you are.)

The scandalous conditions ensuing after the infamous North of England Velocipede-o-cross Championships of 1889, in which all the riders wore half shorts, necessitated cold baths for everybody, to the extent that the Liverpool Reservoir and Lake Windermere were drained, and the entire North Country was put on water rationing for a forthnight. Women reading about the event who merely glimpsed a pencil drawing of the shorts in Le Monde and Die Frankfurter Zietung were said to have fainted dead away. Clearly something had to be done.

Another Velocipede-o-Cross Short Design, Rejected
(Gee... Can't imagine why.)

Similar shorts were tried in 1890 at the RavensCraig Cross & Kilt'en Caboodle, this time using tubes sewn of the finest silk to warm the knees, but the riders complained of cold legs when the tubes fell down as the velocipaedists ran over hill, dale, scree, burn, kirk and firth with their mounts. Noteworthy Scot Angus MacFergus, the famed Downhill Velocipeding Alderman of Kirkaldy, observed the slipping garments and noted tartly, "Och, ay, thaese are nae warmers,” and the name stuck.

Angus MacFergus, the Mad Huckin' Alderman of Kirkaldy

Still, the riders rejected the shorts/nae warmers combination because they kept slipping and provocatively exposing the kneecap, the most sensual of the leg joints other than the hip and the ankle, so the Council also rejected the nae warmers as well, lest the nation be engulfed in a storm of lust and cold kneecaps.

Och, Aye, thaese are nae warmers.

The Council also considered the "tight", so-called because it was tight. It was deemed un-suit-able, as it was similar to the article of clothing worn by act-ors and was therefore disreputable by association.

Tights, as worn by a disreputable act-or
(Who was also reputed to be quite the swordsman...)

Moreover, the “tight” was unduly warm, thus leading to further sweating by the racers, causing undue heaving of both male and female bosom, leading thereby to eye contact between racer and spectator, and thus to the carnal inflammation inevitably attendant thereto. Furthermore, ahem, when worn in the traditional manner, the tight also necessitated the wearing of an enormous padded leather codpiece, to cover the rider's cod. This accoutrement troubled the velocipede pilots mightily when they engaged in frequent mounting and dismounting exploits so common in this new form of racing, velocipede-o-cross. Tights were thus roundly rejected.

You can see this disgusting Frenchman's Cod right through his tights.

(They didn't call it a codpiece for nothin')

It was then noticed that the finest men and women of Hoboken, in the former colony of America, commonly wore a mid-length pant, and experienced neither sweating, nor heaving bosoms, nor carnal inflammation. Moreover, these “old Knickerbockers,” as the descendants of the original Dutch/Flemish settlers of New Amsterdam were known, were most excellent riders of velocipedes, for some unknown reason, though they only liked riding on cobblestone roads in the rain. But I digress.

Velocipaedists hoping for a competitive advantage quickly tried on these short pantaloons and found them "to their liking." Enjoying the relative coolness, the easy mounts and dismounts, coupled with a lack of carnal inflammation for all involved, it was determined by velocipaedists and their fans that these new short pantaloons made excellent vestments for the sport of Velocipede-o-Cross. The name of the Former Colonial Flemish Short Pantaloons was shortened to "Old Knickerbockers" in honor of the Flemish-American riders who invented this most useful of garments. Eventually, uncouth elements in the Fleet Street press, most of them drunkards, treasonous swine or mere utter fools, shortened the name to "knickers." These pantaloons still make a most superb cool weather and Velocipede-o-Cross trouser, though modern designs with clingy fabrics (rather than the original sailing ship canvas) mean that manufacturers no longer guarantee their products to avoid inspiring carnal inflammation.